I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
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And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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