i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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