She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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