He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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