I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
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I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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