I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is Oprah even human
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize