I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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