Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
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