I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
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He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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