Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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