the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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