i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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