I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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