i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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