I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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