So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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