mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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