Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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