You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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