it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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