Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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