Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
