I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
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It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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