Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize