I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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