Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
