i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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