my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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