I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize