How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
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i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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