i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
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so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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