I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
the liver wants what the liver wants
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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