I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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