Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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