I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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