Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
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So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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