Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize