Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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