im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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