Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
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Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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