1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize