I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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