i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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