so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize