remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize