I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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