and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
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This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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