I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize