how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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