I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
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We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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